I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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