yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
