The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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