Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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