dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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