He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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