mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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