I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
