no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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