She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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