Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
