i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
