please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
