it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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