Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If I had your ass I would rule the world
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
