I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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