today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
