I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
