I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
