20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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