I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
