Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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