Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
