since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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