you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
