It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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