mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
