Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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