Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
