So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
