her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
