I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
