Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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