Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
