I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
