Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
