I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
