WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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