You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
