Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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