Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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