she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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