she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
