Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
