he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
