rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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