I accidentally burped into my bong.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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