So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
