I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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