I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
