She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
