I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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