Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I think my moral compass just broke
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
