Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
