there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
