Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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