My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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