Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
