Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
